Friday, February 14, 2014
You know who you are, you sly fellow. Another Valentine's without you, was I waiting for something to happen? Yes. But dog poo on my shoe? No. But that's another thing...universe has a way of messing with me particularly on valentine's. Lets talk about you.
I wonder where you are right now, while reading this...I dont know when you will discover this silly note. Wonder what you are wearing, what colour t shirt...what is the text sprawled across it? I wonder how you smell. I bet all of it is just perfect. Don't laugh, I am only just crazy about you.
You know, sometimes I just sit around thinking about how life will be with you someday. Two silly people being lazy all day and somehow I picture this with a fuzzy and fat cat in the house, just makes the whole fantasy complete. Oh, and hot cocoa in the evenings as we watch some silly tv series that we like (I hope you like HIMYM, Glee, New Girl, The Big Banf Theory, Seinfeld, Two Broke Girls...I dont know, pick any. FYI...me not gonna watch Game of thrones and Breaking Bad, just..no.) I think it would be just right if I slept off in your shoulder because you feel just so warm and you wouldn't mind if I drool in front of you.
Maybe I could bake stuff for you, cookies, cupcakes, puddings and what not..they may suck sometimes but I guess you will eat them clean anyway, because you are crazy for me like that. Each day I will cheer you on with love notes on the mirror and on your packed lunches, your favourite things..all your favourite things. We will go on impromptu picnics, just some random places under the sun.. holding hands, spending time looking at things, people, each other... I want to see this wonderful world with you, just go anywhere we want. Would you like to hold hands and swim in the great barrier reef? Do you think you want to stand with me as we watch the northern lights? Can we please, please see Cuba, and all the other beautiful places like that? Taste all of the world's cheeses.... watch Funny Girl at Broadway. Also, every year dress as a couple on comic con? I have a feeling that with you, all of these dreams would come true.
The clouds are still rumbling and this day is coming to an end, maybe by the next year I will be with you and our cat, just being lazy having a hell of day...
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Who knows what's in store? Just closing my eyes to the unknown, putting my hand out for a big pleasant surprise.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
The glass is seemingly half empty tonight. It has been for a while now. The hole in my heart keeps growing....its a black hole for happiness. I am uneasy, restless. I need something. I have no clue what. I cant tell anyone. I want to tell someone. If only someone could hold me even after always just pushing them away. Sometimes its hard to think someone is truly there for me, but its only sensible to think that it is true, if not then i dunno what sense will it all make. It is all supposed to fit, fall in place. Right? It all sums up in the end and that you can only join the dots backwards...I hope so too.
I experienced exhilaration the last time when I was in water...in the deep ocean, alone. The things I saw were marvellous, even though my limbs would begin to fail me, I still went on. I did not want to stop, I laughed under water i think, that exhilaration of being alive was breath taking. A moment I fhad never experienced before, that much happiness all at once? I do not remember that happening in a long time. Maybe that is how you are supposed to feel? I feel dismal that I cant feel that feeling again, because I need it, I need it to remind myself that this is what life is for. For moments like these and for people who make you feel this way...that is what is it. Well, in a way its kind of sad Ive not experienced moments like these much in the span of 20 years but maybe it is also good news, maybe all my moments are waiting for me.
I like to tell myself that I am misunderstood, that what i truly am is not for everyone to see, not just anyone's cup of tea. Other times I think I am just scared, scared to be known at all. This world that i have made with my words, is only what is true anymore...I hide, in the subtext of my text. Maybe noone will ever come to look for me. Maybe, noone will ever find me. I get the feeling that I do not want to be found. Not even sure if I have truly found myself. My boat of self discovery is in rough seas. It occurs to me sometimes that I may not be asking the right questions..
Happiness. The idea. The desires, is supposedly what pushes the us forward. Maybe. But i have mostly been unhappy with things. Glad, but more or less unhappy. Unsettled. I am still here. Like a roach. Squished or whatever, i am still here. I dunno if i have any formative goals too. i dunno if at all i will get to where i want to. so what is it that keeps me going? the idea of that someone? the dreams i dream of? i dunno. i am pretty sure they wont turn out well. i am still doubtful. It is just this resilient soul that is so scared of everything getting over. it thrives with the thrill of living. Even if it is just pain, i dun feel pushed to finish it. i think about it, but not with conviction per say. So i guess it is resilience within us. Or maybe just me?