Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Sometimes I am pensive.

The glass is seemingly half empty tonight. It has been for a while now. The hole in my heart keeps growing....its a black hole for happiness. I am uneasy, restless. I need something. I have no clue what. I cant tell anyone. I want to tell someone. If only someone could hold me even after always just pushing them away.  Sometimes its hard to think someone is truly there for me, but its only sensible to think that it is true, if not then i dunno what sense will it all make. It is all supposed to fit, fall in place. Right? It all sums up in the end and that you can only join the dots backwards...I hope so too. 

I experienced exhilaration the last time when I was in the deep ocean, alone. The things I saw were marvellous, even though my limbs would begin to fail me, I still went on. I did not want to stop, I laughed under water i think, that exhilaration of being alive was breath taking. A moment I fhad never experienced before, that much happiness all at once? I do not remember that happening in a long time. Maybe that is how you are supposed to feel? I feel dismal that I cant feel that feeling again, because I need it, I need it to remind myself that this is what life is for. For moments like these and for people who make you feel this way...that is what is it. Well, in a way its kind of sad Ive not experienced moments like these much in the span of 20 years but maybe it is also good news, maybe all my moments are waiting for me.  

I like to tell myself that I am misunderstood, that what i truly am is not for everyone to see, not just anyone's cup of tea. Other times I think I am just scared, scared to be known at all. This world that i have made with my words, is only what is true anymore...I hide, in the subtext of my text. Maybe noone will ever come to look for me. Maybe, noone will ever find me. I get the feeling that I do not want to be found.  Not even sure if I have truly found myself. My boat of self discovery is in rough seas. It occurs to me sometimes that I may not be asking the right questions..

Happiness. The idea. The desires, is supposedly what pushes the us forward. Maybe. But i have mostly been unhappy with things. Glad, but more or less unhappy. Unsettled. I am still here. Like a roach. Squished or whatever, i am still here. I dunno if i have any formative goals too. i dunno if at all i will get to where i want to. so what is it that keeps me going? the idea of that someone? the dreams i dream of? i dunno. i am pretty sure they wont turn out well. i am still doubtful. It is just this resilient soul that is so scared of everything getting over. it thrives with the thrill of living. Even if it is just pain, i dun feel pushed to finish it. i think about it, but not with conviction per say. So i guess it is resilience within us. Or maybe just me? 

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